"Boo" Is Only Acceptable At Halloween

It isn't often that I meet men who are straight-up unhinged. But this guy was a doozy!

To give you a sense of how off the rails this guy's behaviour was, every single time I've told someone this story, they've interjected with "Seriously??!" at least 3 times. And nope, I'm not exaggerating.

Okay, grab a drink of water, and let's get into this one.

This story is from around 3-ish years ago. I matched with this guy on Hinge — let's call him Y (representative of the question that ran through my head often during subsequent events). He had a really well-written profile, was objectively cute in a golden retriever kind of way, and the pictures on his profile suggested a well-rounded life.

We got to texting, and it went really well. Conversation flowed easily, there was banter, there were common interests — all that good stuff. Over the next 2 days, we found ourselves texting each other all day and late into the night, rarely running out of things to say to each other. I honestly looked forward to hearing from him.

And then... it started.

Our man Y was an eager one. By Day 3, he was attempting video calls — unplanned, unscheduled, impromptu video calls. In the middle of a workday. At 11pm. At 8am while I'm getting ready for work. Note that I said "attempting", because I never answered. I always declined the call, each time telling him that I wasn't available for a video call, and each time telling him that I am not comfortable with unscheduled video calls when we haven't even met yet. He claimed to understand.

By Day 4, he was addressing me as "Boo" in text messages. *shudder*

To reiterate, all of this is before we've even met in person.

Despite me gently telling him I wasn't comfortable with terms of endearment this early, his text messages got increasingly affectionate and... comfortable. Waaaay too comfortable. The kind of language one would use if they had been in a relationship for at least a couple of months, if not longer. Calling me "babe", "boo" (repeat shudders), referring to me as "his girl". Very much ew.

When I pushed back again, the conversation finally moved to actually planning a first date. Despite his strange texting behaviour, I thought the initial vibing deserved at least one in-person meeting, to suss out what sort of person he is and whether we actually had any chemistry. So we planned to meet a couple of days later, for dinner at a restaurant that we were both excited about.

Cut to the day of the date. I woke up to a text from him saying he can't wait to finally meet me, and I must admit, that made me smile. I mean, corny as it may be, it's a nice message with which to start your day. I went about my day, wrapped up work on time, and started getting ready for the date. You know the drill — shampoo, conditioner, hair mask, exfoliate, moisturise, the whole shebang! Put myself in a really cute dress, and was doing my hair and makeup... when he calls.

"Boo, I'm so sorry, but I'm stuck at work."

This is 30min before we were to meet.

"Can we do another evening?"

We had been texting through the day, reconfirming the plan.

"Blah blah blah, ranting about his boss-who-was-also-his-best-friend-but-oh-what-a-spoilt-brat-she-is..."

I tell him fine and hang up. I was obviously annoyed, and in no mood to hide it. He proceeded to blow up my phone with a dozen texts going "Boo, I'm so sorry", and "Boo, please don't be mad, she planned an investor meeting and I completely forgot about it". Even included screenshots of his chats with said boss-slash-best-friend talking about the meeting, and him forgetting about it, and boss-slash-best-friend chastising him for not checking his calendar before making plans.

Excessive? Overcompensatory? Mmmmm, just a tad.

Don't ask me why, but I didn't end things right then and there. The red flags were waving hard — throwing his so-called "best friend" under the bus like that, badmouthing her, and sending me screenshots of a conversation that looked very staged — but I am clearly a sucker for punishment. Or perhaps I was just so incredibly hopeful that a man with good grammar and a decent vocabulary might turn out to not be an utter douche.

We resumed texting, though I was admittedly rather cold for the first couple of days. Eventually, things thawed and we attempted to plan another date.

This is where it started to get really weird.

He asked me whether I'd want to come to lunch.

At his mom's place.

Sir, wut?!

I asked him why he would suggest that for a first date, and he goes "Oh, I've already told my mom all about you, and she's dying to meet you!"

My brother in Zoroaster, YOU haven't even met me!

He then proceeds to tell me how he goes to his mom's for lunch every Sunday, and that this Sunday was going to be not just him & his mom, but also his aunt and cousins. And they ALL want to meet me!

So here's the man who hasn't managed to plan a date with me yet, but has apparently told his extended family about me and how sure he is about me.

Yikes.

I told him that was definitely not going to happen, and was met with a great deal of sulking. I was overthinking it, I was hurting his mother's feelings, yada yada. The way this fellow whimpered, you'd think I had kicked a puppy.

My patience had long since worn thin, and it was at this point that I ended up snapping at him. For someone who hadn't been able to manage his calendar well enough to even meet me in person, how audacious it was that he expected me to contort my boundaries in order to cater to the feelings of his extended family.

What does this man do? He broke out the puppy eyes and the very articulate sweet-talking. (Ugh, why does a good vocabulary get me the way it does?!)

And he plans a date. Finally, a first date, on the calendar. It was a Saturday night, Christmas Eve. He would be free from work, and arguably, of any other distractions. And we picked a restaurant in my neighbourhood so I wouldn't have to commute, and one that I was particular fond of — he was trying to placate my anger, after all.

Anyhow, the day of the date finally arrived. Once again, several texts to convey his excitement, multiple reconfirmations, all of that. Every indication that he wasn't going to risk messing it up.

Spoiler alert: He messed it up.

At about 7pm, he calls to tell me he's leaving from work, and would come pick me up in about a half hour. About 10 min later, he calls to tell me traffic is terrible and that he's moving really slowly, so he might be delayed.

Me: "That's okay, the restaurant isn't far. I'll go on ahead so we don't lose our reservation."

Y: "Reservation??"

Me: "Ummm, yes. You made a reservation, right?"

Y: "No, boo. I didn't. I figured we'd just go get a table."

Me: ".... On a Saturday night? On Christmas Eve?"

Y: "What, we won't get a table?"

Me: "I guarantee we won't."

Y: "Wait, let me call them, I'm sure they'll have a table."

<5 minutes later>

Y: "Oh my god, boo, they don't have any tables!"

Me: "Shocker"

Y: "I work in the food business, boo. It never occurred to me. I always just walk in and someone will arrange something."

Me: "So you figured you would just not plan ahead?"

Y: "I'm sure some other restaurant in the area would have a table."

Me: "There are all of 4 good restaurants in the area. You don't get tables there on a regular weekend unless you make a reservation, and you're expecting one on a holiday weekend?"

Y: "Boo, it didn't even occur to me."

Me: "And that's the problem."

With that, I hung up.

Cue him blowing up my phone, first in absolute disbelief that I faulted him for not making a reservation, and then in apology for not having planned ahead. I sent a singular reply telling him I didn't want to see him, and that he could turn around and go home.

I then proceeded to get myself out of my dress, showered off my makeup, changed into comfy clothes, and walked over to my best friend's house. Can absolutely confirm that the vibes and food were much better than any date, and always reliable.

Once I had cooled off and had good food in my belly and a solid bitching session out of my system, I did what he couldn't do. I planned.

All I needed was about 5 minutes. I unmatched and blocked him on the dating app. I blocked him on every social media platform (even LinkedIn!). I sent him a very cold, very clear "this is over" text. I then waited promptly for the ticks to turn blue, and immediately blocked his number too.

Quick, efficient, and complete. Because a really good plan leaves no loose ends.

Consider this a lesson, kids. This experience should serve as a definitive playbook of how the LoveBomber ProMax3000 operates, and give you a look at all the signs so you can steer clear of its trappings.

Also, you want to know a real doozy? 🤫

His so-called best-friend-who-is-also-his-boss goes to my gym!

I'm often tempted to show her screenshots of how he talked about her.

Stay safe, my lovelies. The lovebombers are everywhere.

❤️ , Bellyrina